（抬头呢？）称呼officer用 （Dear Officer.）
(问候语也要写下来：Good morning./ Greetings./ Hope you are having a nice day!)

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter. (每个句号，逗号后要有一个空格) My name is XXX. I am a tourist from China. I am planning to (go to) there （到底是哪里要说清楚） at the beginning of October (,) 2014. Now there is a(n) impportant thing I need your help to confirm(命令般的语气，建议写成：I'm writing to inquire an confirmation of approval of my ETA).
I applied for a individual tourist ETA on the official website (要写清楚是什么site) on 19 Aug 2014, I (filled in) all the information and pa(ied) the fee, but the website didn't jump to (去掉the) step 4--ETA /confirm/iation. So far i（大写） still haven't (receive) the mail (of) the appro(v)al (of) ETA and I don't konw what is my ETA number.
My dear Officers （officer不需要大写，而且你跟人家没什么交情就不要说的这么煽情了，My Dear 某某某一般是写给亲人的时候才有的）, （所以这里直接从这句开始 Would大写） would you please help to confirm (that) whether my ETA is approved(?) (M)y registeration information is a(s) follows:
XXXXXXXXX
XXXXXXXXX
I sincerely request（又是命令的语气） that you as soon as possible（整句话改成：I sincerely hope that you can send/write back to me as soon as possible) , your timely verification would be highly appreciated. (Thank you. 千万不要吝啬这最后一个感谢）

sincerely, (这里一定只能选一个词,不要太繁琐) 或者可以说 （Best,/ Best wishes,/ Sincerely要大写)

XXX (你的署名）